I am sex coach and I specializes in helping men overcome early ejaculation struggles. Over the last 10 years, my expertise has allowed me to gather a great deal of information on premature ejaculation.
There are a few common false beliefs many men often prescribe to that keep them forever trapped with this struggle.
Below, I am going to go over the most common myths around premature ejaculation.
Myth #1: Premature ejaculation can't be controlled.
Truth: The great news is you can learn to control ejaculation. Think of learning to control ejaculation as similar to learning to play an instrument. For instance, you would not expect to play the piano one time and feel proficient. The same is true for learning how to explore arousal and feel in control of your orgasm. Once you learn, it'll become second nature.
Myth #2: Premature ejaculation decreases with age.
Truth: The stereotype is that early ejaculation is a younger man's problem, and it subsides with age. But I've worked with men who range in age from 20 to 65. Like anything else, some men do grow out of this struggle with age, although many men do not. Some men actually develop control struggles later in life.
Myth #3: Thinking about something not sexy will help you last longer.
Truth: Actually, just the reverse is true! Thinking about other things while having sex will not only take you out of the moment, but also won't help you gain control. When you focus on something else, you're not only still ejaculating fast, you're not even present enough to enjoy the short time you were having sex!
Myth #4: You just need to develop your kegel muscles.
Truth: This is one of the most common misconceptions around premature ejaculation and learning control. In very few instances, have I worked with someone who had so little kegel muscle control that they needed to develop the muscle. Needing to develop kegel muscles has only been necessary when they have had trauma in the area like surgery or infection. Learning how to relax your entire body, including your pelvic floor and kegel muscles, is the key for how long you will last.
Myth #5: Men have premature ejaculation if they ejaculate within two minutes of insertion.
Truth: Many men claim they last longer than two minutes but insisted they had PE. Fixation on the duration of intercourse misses the point. The issue is not duration but lack of control over ejaculatory timing, no matter how long things last.
Myth #6: I can fix this quickly.
Truth: For the average man, learning control will take between 4 weeks to 6 months of skill building' to feel a significant change. In very few instances does a man learn control within a week. What this means for you, it will take some time. How long it will take you to gain confidence all depends where you are starting from. If you are ejaculating within 30 seconds for the last 10 years, it will most likely take you longer to learn control than someone who intermittently orgasms quickly. It is important to allow your body the time to expand, grow and learn a new way of exploring arousal.
Myth #7: For the ladies – He is doing this on purpose.
Truth: I can guarantee you – no man is trying to make the sexual experience end more quickly. One hundred percent of the men I have worked with have shared how embarrassing it is to cum so quickly and want to last longer. They are just not sure how to do that.
Let's also not forget that most women do not orgasm from penetration alone.
A study published in 2017 in The Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy found that 37% of American women required clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm. The study also found that only 18% of women said that vaginal penetration alone was enough to orgasm.
According to Debby Herbenick, a researcher at the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University, the results of this study revealed women’s wide range of preferences when it came to how they liked being touched during sex.
Meaning, learning how to bring pleasure to a woman through fingers, tongues and toys plays a huge role in how satisfied she is. Not just how long your cock stays hard before you release.
I often tell my clients that while their partner getting more pleasure might have been the catalyst for learning these new skills, what they will find is a whole world of their own pleasure. Meaning, learning these control skills is more about getting to experience the pleasure within your own body. Often, when you orgasm too quickly you are missing out on all the sensations that a human body can experience.
All Men can Learn Control over their Orgasm
I'll say it again (and again, and again) I believe all men can learn to control their orgasm.
YES, YOU CAN LEARN HOW TO CONTROL YOUR ORGASM!
I mention this because all too often I hear stories about men who have given up on sex and dating. It is not that nothing works for you, it is that you have not had access to the right tools. The endless internet searches often leave men feeling more isolated and convinced they will always have this struggle.
There is often also fear and shame of talking about this sensitive topic. This keeps many men from getting help. This is a fixable issue for every man.
So why do I have Premature Ejaculation: Anxiety
I like to explain early ejaculation as the bodies expression of anxiety with arousal. Your body becomes overwhelmed by the feeling of arousal (for one reason or another). As you start to feel the build up and arousal growing, the anxiety will take over and arousal literally goes right through you.
It's the fight or flight response.
The body enters into a state of panic and drops into the false belief that it has two options:
- orgasm or
- lose your erection
The body will do anything to dissipate the anxiety that is created inside.
It is also common for men who struggle with severe premature ejaculation to sometimes be unable to get hard. Especially under stressful situations, like with a new partner. So, even if you started with control issues, it may look under certain circumstances like you have erectile dysfunction issues.
This is simply just the next layer of anxiety and is surprisingly common for some men.
Unfortunately, over time, this can become the norm for some men. The body becomes so overwhelmed by the anxiety to connect with arousal at all and erotic energy never shows up.
Self-propelling loop of arousal anxiety
Regardless of how the pattern of anxiety originally got created, it will begin to feed on itself. This creates a self-propelling system where you continue to get more and more anxious around arousal and sex, making the issues of control more and more embedded.
Early Ejaculation Diagram
Patience and consistency pays off
What is the state of mind you are working on this struggle from? Are you hoping you'll learn ejaculation control in 1 day, 1 week, 2 weeks?
The state of mind you come into learning these new skills is very important. It is best to start this process with a beginner's state of mind. This because you are actually going to be teaching your body a new way to relating with arousal.
If you get caught up in doing it all exactly right, in a linear fashion, and not allowing yourself to make mistakes, the process will frustrate you and take much longer.
Your body will need time to learn the new pathways. You are essentially creating a neural network in your brain, so you have to give yourself some breathing room (literally and metaphorically).
Here's to more successful and fun sexual experiences.
Yes, you can learn to overcome your early ejaculation struggle. I believe all men can overcome this embarrassing struggle. Check out my 12 engaging videos where I teach you my Secrets for overcoming premature ejaculation in the privacy of your own home.